You Should, and you Can

2024 Can be a great year!

Have you ever gotten bothered by someone’s actions not meeting your expectations? Whether it’s at work or in daily life, sometimes people do things that are not very considerate. Last year, I caught myself spending too much time fretting over situations where I felt someone "should" have done something, but they didn't. It was a cycle of stress and disappointment, replaying the same thoughts: why didn’t they do what they were supposed to? Then spending hours if not days worrying about it.

Here's what I learned: the word "should" is more than just a term; it's a reflection of our mindset. In the realms of psychoanalysis and cognitive-behavioral therapy, "should" statements are recognized as cognitive distortions. 🤯 They represent unrealistic expectations we set for ourselves and others, leading to feelings of disappointment, frustration, and guilt when these expectations aren't met.

Albert Ellis, a prominent psychologist, identified these "should" statements as major sources of irrational thinking. He argued that by reframing "should" into something more constructive, we can reduce emotional distress. For Example:

• I should go to work.

  • I get to go to work.

• He should've called me.

  • He could've called me.

• I should be more productive.

  • I can be more productive.

• 2024 Should be a great year.

  • 2024 Can be a great year.

Each of these reframed statements shifts the perspective from a rigid expectation to a more flexible and forgiving approach, which can help reduce feelings of guilt, pressure, or inadequacy. «Take a deep breath here»

For 2024, I am going all in. Instead of saying “I/she/they should,” I will say “I/she/they can.” This subtle language change will help reduce the conflict between our expectations and reality. By practicing this, we engage in a form of mindfulness, accepting things as they are, not as they “should” be. This aligns with modern therapeutic approaches like Acceptance and Commitment Therapy(ACT), which emphasize living by our values rather than adhering to rigid rules.

Spending time with friends this weekend reminded me that it’s not just this one word - “should” - but all the words that we use that shape and define our reality. “I don’t know where my business is coming from next year” can be “I am looking forward to growing my business next year.” Or “I’m too lazy to go to the gym” can be “I’m going to walk on the treadmill for 10 min and see how it goes” Or “I can’t quit drinking” can be “I will give Dry January a try”

After opening myself up to new, less restrictive language, I started rolling with life's punches a bit more gracefully, not clinging to negative thoughts. That’s the power of "can." It’s about tackling life with a mindset that says, "Hey, let’s see what we can do here," instead of getting stuck on what should have been.

🥂Here's to a year where we can be a bit kinder to ourselves, a bit more open to possibilities, and maybe, just a bit less stressed. Let’s embrace the power of "can" and see where it takes us.

PS: That’s a non-alcoholic emoji

Sober Thinker questions:

Can you share an example of how you have adjusted your language to improve your life?

Are you doing Dry January? Reply to let me know! or talk to me on X

Revisit: Dry January: The First Step to My Sobriety (beehiiv.com)

Wishing you and your family a year filled with growth, peace, and ‘can-do’ moments!

Cheers!

Amir

Share with a friend: https://soberthinker.beehiiv.com/subscribe

Did someone forward this email to you? Sign up here